I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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