I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
