I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
