I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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