He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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