I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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