I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
