Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
