i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
