you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
