The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
