R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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