I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
