i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
