it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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