I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
