Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
