i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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