I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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