here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
