Moan for me like Helen Keller
People with herpes should wear stickers.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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