Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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