I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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