she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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