also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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