you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
