OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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