The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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