you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I did not marry a roomba.
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