hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
