im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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