I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
