I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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