Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
