So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
