i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
