Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
MIDGETS
????
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
