My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
