Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
worst night to have a conscience
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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