I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
