Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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