Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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