She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
