I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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