I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
