I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
