What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
