I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
