he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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