I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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