After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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