so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
