A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
