my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
