Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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