Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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