I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
