My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
