Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
