You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's the barista slut.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
