I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
