Tell her she can't have a vagina
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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