Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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