You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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