I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
