Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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