i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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