Your face is a jimmy john
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
