I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize