____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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