I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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