I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
