batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
