my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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