I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize